On August 16, 2003, I made a promise. In a church packed with family and friends, I looked my best friend in the eye and, holding her hand, I spoke vows.

It’s one thing to speak vows; it’s another thing to keep vows. It’s one thing to dream big about your marriage; it’s another thing to pursue and implement that dream. A dream drives a marriage, and a plan cements the new realities you want to see in your marriage. To date your wife, you have to plan to date your wife. A ship without a sail and a rudder set in a deliberate direction will never make it to the other shore—it will simply drift at sea. A plan for how to date your wife is your sail and rudder—it will take you to your desired shore.

I know men who have pages and pages of plans for their businesses, their nances, and their hobbies but have never written down a single sentence of planning for their marriage. Vows, dreams, ideas, and good intentions aren’t enough. A man needs to plan. You need more than passion to lead your marriage into new territory; you also need a practical plan. Once a man recovers a God-given, gospel-powered dream for his marriage, encourage him to view his marriage in one-year chunks and to draft an annual plan for how he will date his wife.

Plan for the Air War and the Ground War

Drafting an annual plan for dating your wife starts with the “air war” of your marriage—this is planning for when your B-52 bombers will fly overhead to drop major artillery and troops in support of your marriage, helping you push your marriage forward in significant ways. You will need to color in the annual plan by looking at the “ground war” of your marriage— the daily and weekly work on the ground and in the trenches that often goes unnoticed but makes a big difference in the long haul.

I often sit down with men to help them craft an annual plan for their marriages. I’ve found that most men need help getting started in the practical planning department. Men are comfortable planning in detail for their careers, their upcoming fishing trips, or their new fitness goals because they’ve been taught to do so. Most men have simply never been taught about the importance of, or a method for, dating their wife. After spending forty-five minutes helping a fellow husband create an annual Date-Your-Wife Plan, I’ve discovered that this is the first and last time a husband needs help from me. Once a man has been coached through crafting an annual plan and starts implementing it, he feels confident and equipped to continue this habit on his own and create a fresh Date-Your-Wife Plan each year.

There is no one right way to do this. Every marriage is different. Every wife is different. You need to create an annual plan that’s unique to the dream God has given you for your marriage and your wife. To help jump-start your own creativity and planning, a sample of an annual Date-Your-Wife Plans follows. Remember, right now we’re creating the air war portion of the plan. You will need to add more color to the plan by creating the ground war.

Every marriage operates on a different calendar. Some men craft plans that follow the calendar year—January through December. Other men craft plans that pivot on their anniversary date. The plan Taylor and I follow is in sync with our anniversary (August 16) and the academic calendar. This works well for us since we have three kids that will soon be in school, and since I’m a pastor my work tracks with the academic calendar. This puts our marriage, our kids, and my work on the same planning timetable—August through July. I’ve seen the August-through-July calendar work well for many marriages.

Air War Sample Plan: Married with Three Kids

Below is the Date-Your-Wife Plan that I’ve created for Taylor and me for our eighth year of marriage. Our life is very full right now with three young kids and the pressure and busyness of church planting, plus we’re on a tight budget. So this plan is reflective of our station in life and how God is leading me to lead our marriage this year.

Air War Goals

Take great care of Taylor and our marriage in the midst of a busy, demanding, and unpredictable year. Enjoy a weekly date night every Friday night from 8:00 p.m.–10:00 p.m.; twice a month go out for our date and twice a month hold these dates at home. Use these dates to laugh a lot with Taylor and do a big picture check-in on our lives and marriage. Secure free babysitting from friends in our church. Once a month watch the kids and give Taylor a night out with her girlfriends. Once a year take Taylor on a three-night getaway without the kids. Once a year take the whole family on a long vacation with our extended family, utilizing their help in caring for our kids and helping pay for the vacation. This year make it my main focus to build a stronger culture of grace in our marriage. The most practical way I can do this is to criticize Taylor less and encourage Taylor more. Anytime I’m traveling, get one or two people to help Taylor and give her a break from the kids.

August

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15.

September

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15. Throughout football season, order in pizza and watch Monday Night Football with my sons while Taylor gets some time to herself.

October

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15. 
  • Throughout football season, order in pizza and watch Monday Night Football with my sons while Taylor gets some time to herself.
  • Help Taylor throw a combined birthday party for all three of our sons.

November

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15. 
  • Throughout football season, order in pizza and watch Monday Night Football with my sons while Taylor gets some time to herself. 
  • Three-night getaway with my bride, without the kids. Cost: $400.

December

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15. 
  • Throughout football season, order in pizza and watch Monday Night Football with my sons while Taylor gets some time to herself.

January

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15.

February

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15.

March

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Taylor takes a 48-hour personal retreat while I watch the boys. Cost: $300.

April

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15.

May

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15.
  • Throw a party for Taylor’s birthday and make Mother’s Day special for her.

June

  • Friday date night (first and third week: go out; second and fourth week: at home). Cost: $50.
  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15.

July

  • Wife’s night out (second Saturday of the month). Cost: $15.
  • Take the whole family on a two-week vacation partially paid for by and involving our extended family. Enjoy having extra help with the kids from our family, give Taylor many breaks throughout the vacation, attempt taking Taylor on a one-night getaway without the kids in the middle of the vacation. Cost: $1,000.

Total Annual Cost: $2,425. Cost of Not Doing This: ?

GOD’S POWER AND PLAN

Vows aren’t automatic. Vows aren’t magic. Vows don’t keep themselves. Men, it’s up to us to keep the vows we spoke to our wives.

Every morning I see that black-and-white picture of our wedding day. Every time I look at that picture I remember the vows I spoke to my wife. I love my wife so much. I always will. Come hell or high water, I’m keeping my vows. Doing so requires God’s power and a good plan.

We are seeking to do for our wives what God has already done for us. When we least deserved it, God started a relationship with us and spoke vows of love over us. He began planning his relationship with us long before he created us. Think about it. God has made vows with you that he plans to keep, no matter what. Remember the vows God has made to you, remember the vows you have made to your wife, and come up with a fresh plan for how to keep those vows—how to date your wife. Develop an air war plan for how you will keep your vows and date your wife.

When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, and I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord God, and you became mine. (Ezekiel. 16:8)

TAKE ACTION

  1. Create the air war portion of a Date-Your-Wife Plan for the next twelve months of your marriage.
  2. Take your wife on a date and reveal your plan. Revise and shape your plan together with your wife as she offers her input and tells you her hopes and dreams for your marriage.
  3. Plug your plan into your calendars, and don’t let anything else compromise these plans. Schedule and make reservations accordingly.
  4. Flirt with your wife.

This excerpt is taken from Date Your Wife by Justin Buzzard, © 2012, pp. 100-109. Used by permission of Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, IL 60187, www.crossway.org. Pick up a copy to finish planning your ground war and more! Follow Justin at justinbuzzard.net.